As a child I’d cry so easily, I didn’t know how to defend myself without those hot tears coming out, it felt like knives hearing people close to me accuse me, call me things I wasn’t or didn’t do. That feeling drove me raving with questions, I wondered, I searched deep within me. At such a young age, a lot of things raged my thoughts, I was always seeking within me why? How? Questions that led to answers that pointed to understanding, understanding that I found hard to believe because why wouldn’t you believe me? Why would I be those things, how could I do those things, that hurt overshadowed it all, and it was in the dark that I found comfort in my anger, my sadness, my thoughts, it was so quiet and peaceful it made so much sense to me I started hiding in our little corridor under the shelves were we keep our boxes and some of our old toys, I wiped my tears and I found staying in my space comforting, and that’s why when I’m hurt and begin to get angry or sad I go dark and silent, I go dark to reflect and I go dark to comfort myself.
The dark is more of a home to me, than having those lights on around me and it’s not a bad thing, it’s a good thing because only in the dark does the light shine brightest. That’s me, a dark place with a bright future. Home to expansion and reflection. That started a development, I kept things to myself while I reflected on all areas about it, ways I’d approach it, how I’d speak up and voice out everything, and even as I realized all of that, I thought maybe just maybe one more time, one more time they won’t do it, one more time I won’t get hurt by it, all those times the comfort I gave myself vanished and those words came back this time only for ponder and regret, losing all self love for myself. That was who I had in the dark been reflecting on things, broken, only assuring my mind I’d be fine and not actually being fine. This time the dark feels different, I’m listening and that obedience makes everything light. I don’t have to understand for them, I understand for myself to save myself for myself, just myself.
-EkelemeN
Nene's Corner 