HER

When you’re reminded of longing, of desire and comfort,

Caught in arms, bound by a bond that heart and soul dine and wine.

Oh ache

You’ve met me here again,

Wandering through the quiet corners of my chest

Wondering if truly I ever would not like my eyes and smile to shine

To twinkle with delight as I enjoy dates with laughter while music plays behind

Softly, quietly, unnoticed by anyone but me

Like a secret tide rising and falling

The kind that fills spaces I didn’t know were empty

And I let it in for a moment, just a moment, before it slips again. 

I know I miss your love and affection,

Wait this is to no one in particular but for myself

To remember what it is like to feel unguarded

To remember the softness of wanting

To let the chest rise and fall with a joy that does not ask permission

To remember that my laughter can be full

Even when the world is quiet

Even when no one notices

Because it is for me

And I am enough to notice it

To remember what it is like to live for my fun and desires.

In heart I remember life

In wanting I desire time

In hope I find joy that washes my feet

Like the cold air wrapping my room

Sinking me into the velvet of my duvet

That soft darkness that folds around me

That slow inhale and exhale that reminds me I am alive.

I remember the pull of small pleasures,

The taste of music on my skin

The warmth of thinking about someone

Even if I do not reach them

I remember that I can exist fully in feeling alone

Maybe I don’t forget what it is to be one with another

Maybe I long for it

But I’m in no rush to be bothered

I let the memory pass through me

And sometimes it leaves me trembling

Sometimes it leaves me smiling quietly

But when I do remember

I feel sadness that reminds me how lonely life is

How the quiet can stretch endlessly

How strange it is that a person can become whole with it

The kind of whole that carries longing like a pulse

A rhythm that beats softly in the chest

And reminds you what was once felt

What might still be waiting somewhere, quietly.

This is her

Too long lost wandering that love wraps me in wondering

The one who moves slowly through her own chest

Learning the space between absence and presence

The pull between memory and desire

The scent of something past and something possible

And it lingers

That gentle ache that curls around my ribs

That shadow of warmth that does not leave

That quiet whisper reminding me

That even in solitude, even in wandering

I am here

I am feeling

I am waiting without waiting

I am whole and longing at the same time.

And in this space

I fold into myself again

Let the ache rise and fall like quiet waves

Let the memory settle

Let desire breathe

Let hope trace the edges of what might come.

And I stay here, fully,

Knowing that even when love is distant

Even when joy drifts

Even when the chest aches quietly

It is enough

Because I am still me

Wondering, feeling, remembering, longing

And that is its own kind of home.

–Nnenna