Goodbye & Hello

I wrote this really short conversation to my mum that I wish I could send to her but I can’t, at the end of it, I didn’t know I’d have a name for it, I just really wanted to tell her how I’ve felt for 21 years of my life that I’ve had to share with the family, but deep down I knew that she couldn’t handle it. Some how in all of it? I found a name for it, “ I have a lot to say”…. As I was trying to copy it, it all got erased, but I’m not mad, well not anymore. I guess I wasn’t meant to hold on to it, it was time to let it go, to ride in a car and just go. So I’m not mad at her or at myself and as I was beginning to get familiar with the fact that we’ll be gone someday and not wanting to live in regret because I was mad at all the words that scarred me, I’m glad a part of me wants to leave it all because I understand now.

Hey mum, I’ll be here always, even if it’s for you to vent about my dad or my elder sisters. I’ll always pick your call, always be here for you because I know what doing that feels like, so I won’t let it happen to you.

Little me loves you because you allowed us discover the best of ourselves, it was a hard parenting but I did it, I’m there for myself more than ever, I’m slowly no longer afraid of the world, I don’t hide, I stand up for myself even if it’s between you and I.

I know you’d rather I stay silent but I can’t, I’d comfort myself, push myself in every aspect, encourage myself for trying new things, I’ll pat my back, I’ll say I love you to me more. I’ve let your ways ride me and it did not end well but finding answers for myself by myself??? being myself??? That’s me mama and I see that appreciative smile here and there, and I know you’re loving the woman I’m becoming and I’ll say it for both of us, I’m proud.

As the message meant for you wiped away, I’ve let it all go, I’m glad we’re living in the now, trying our best to make better of all that messy childhood and adulthood for you and I, for the times gone, times here, times to come while we’re still alive, let’s be here for ourselves, at our own pace, alone but together always.

Goodbye and Hello…

-Nnenna